All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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