I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize