So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
