fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize