somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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