Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
