don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
