Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
