Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
