i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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