Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She's the barista slut.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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