Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Ketchup is God's man juice
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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