My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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