The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
