Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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