If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Two words: blizzard sex
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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