under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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