Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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