In the future we'll all be gay
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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