Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Michael Bay diarrhea
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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