i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
