im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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