On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
