she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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