there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
