in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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