if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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