I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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