dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
