and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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