Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
