wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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