Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
