I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
