Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
