i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Randomize
