I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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