ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
