I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
my shit smells like andre
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
