okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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