I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
