giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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