I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My pussy is not your playground.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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