my mouth tastes like poor choices
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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