You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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