I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
