john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
