she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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