did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
