Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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