I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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