the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize