Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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