Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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