Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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