between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My liver just had a heart attack.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize