My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i've created a new STD.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
