You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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