I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
