My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
