I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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