I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Randomize
