not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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