Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
