I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
