I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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