It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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