As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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