She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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